Slave Labour

Had a phone call from Rick "Three Jags" Harris this morning inviting me over to help get his trebuchet working. To be honest I haven't got a clue about anything practical, like mechanics or carpentry, but there are a limited number of medieval historians with bugger all else to do all day in this part of somerset so I went over anyway.

Trebuchet's were portable devices assembled on the battlefield and Rick's one breaks down into 140 sperate pieces which all need to be checked and restored individually.
Although iron nails were used at the time (see my big dig findings) the need to be able to take the machine apart at the end of the battle meant that it was constructed using medieval half lap and mortise and tenon joinery instead. I spend most of the day cursing as I haul heavy beams from one place to another, get my fingers caught between heavy panels whilst snapping them together, or simply whilst kicking my mug of tea over. I get through a whole pouch of tobacco and half a packet of gingernuts. Bugger it !

In retaliation for the day of slave labour I challenge Rick to a duel on Nailsea heath. His trebuchet against something of my own devising, and whilst I am tempted to consider one of my uncle's miniture flintlock pistols, I sketch out a blueprint for a basic ballista. He agrees immediately and sets a date. Lets hope he doesn't use any of his rusting old cars as ammunition.

Treason

"Dr. William James Victor Nicholas von Marksburg,
In accordance with the "The Lawes, Orders and Customs for Swans", dated 1482/3, and the Wildlife and Countryside Act of 1981, you are hereby charged with having willfully and knowingly murdered a swan by means of a semi-automatic pistol on the morning of Monday, October 29, 2007. The swan being a much prized bird and property of the crown. How do you plead ?"

I have been summoned to Windsor Criminal Court to answer the charge of having sent Gottfried on his way last month for having buggered up my fishing lines. I knew that that day had gone too well). Perhaps if I'd have bagged the body and sent it to the office of 'Keeper of the King's Swans' instead of leaving it to the fishes and mother nature, I could have avoided this. Now I stand accused by the crown of treason, and all because some 12th century Frenchy Lord with long moustaches and a high squeeky voice fancied poultry for dinner and all the Turkey's had avian bird flu. Now I have to try and keep a straight face while twits in wigs and togas try and sentence me to death or whatever passes for that these days....

I suggest to the court that whilst I may be guilty of the 1483 offence, the current monarch does not neccessarilly have the right to claim ownership of the swans either, being as she is, not particularly well decended from the aforementioned monarch, and when this ploy fails I decide to call Prince Philip as a witness to say that I had Royal permission to bump this one off. I am given a slap and fined £500, which the judge agrees I can pay in monthly installments over 200 years. I request that the crown should pay my expenses but am given another slap !

Rust Bucket

Paid a home visit today to my colleague on the Nailsea big dig, Rick "three Jags" Harris who is battling with the terrible dilemma of whether he should get rid of his knacked XJ or not.
His front garden consists of a mixture of reconstructed medieval seige machinery and British Leyland cast offs, (I can never tell the difference, but it seems the medieval stuff still works).
I found him stretched out beneath a badly dented rusty blue hulk lying in a pool of oily water. "Its no good Bill" he called "the heating condenser's gone. Its only a simple part but its buried so deep in here they'll have to take the whole engine out." The car is surrounded by tonnes of junk, its tyres are totally flat and the rims have sunk into the mud. I wonder when the car last moved anyway, heated or not....
I put the kettle on anyway, - i know the routine.
We sit on the bonnet of his relatively new XD, hemmed in behind a disassembled trebuchet, and debate the relative merits of his collection. "this ones nice enough Bill, but if I'd have wanted a new mondaeo I'd have bought one...its not a patch on the old XJ to drive.." I'd love to ask when he last drove the XJ or the XD but I know better, and I can see from the stacking order that the trebuchet was out more recently than either. "I really should get rid of one or the other but which one ?" I suggest that I put him in the passenger seat while I burn up and down redland road making handbrake turns and record his screams. The car he gets most stressed about we keep. The idea is brilliant but not a goer - none of his vehicles are in running condition !

Weight and See

It is my final session today with Jane today, and the date when she presents herself again at weightwatchers this evening for the weigh in. The councelling has clearly paid off. She no longer eats cakes or sweets, nor snacks between meals and the weight is just falling off. (Especially when you combine it with the additional stress of paying for councelling). In truth she could have gone last week but she was keen to make her point. I imagine the locals will be pleased to see the back of her, anyone loosing that much weight in a month is rocking the boat.
I am in two minds whether to go or not. When I say two minds, what I mean of course is that certainly I might receive some extra business by going and I do like the free cake, but I can't really be bothered, especially on a cold night and tonight looks like it'll be very cold.
I give Jane a stack of my business cards to hand out, (I tried to find the really old ones that say happy christmas on the back) but I suspect she might not be keen to advertise her solution to others. I decide to take the lazy way out and slouch off home to try and get World of Warcraft working on my new 3G phone. I'm sure I'll find out what happens one way or another...

Phones For You...

What is it with mobile phone shops these days. Every other shop in the high street either is one, or is a recruitment agency advertising jobs in a new one ! Yet if heaven forbid you actually do want to buy a mobile phone, you'll find that they haven't actually made any for a few years !!
Oh sure they've tinkered a bit, ok you used to only have a 2 megapixel phone with 8 million colour screen and now you get a 3.2 megapixel camera with 12 million colour screen but its the same bloody phone !!!!!
Now in my case I bought an XDA IIi with Windows mobile 5 just over 2 years ago, and a Sony Ericson K800i on ebay for £60 18 months ago because the XDA was a bit of a brick, but have they updated either phone in the last 18 months ? NO - there is no real upgrade !!!!
Anyway yesterday I decided to combine the brick's features with the Sony's, so that's no new features at all, just combining some existing ones, oh yes and I'll be loosing Windows Mobile, (no great loss of course but its minus one feature). As a result I'm writing this from my new state of the art Nokia E90 (a slightly smaller brick). Its only been out for four weeks and already its 18 months old. Should have bought an iPhone (sweet but still no new features.....)

Hyde & Seek

I have been kidnapped ! Yes its true, my agent doubtless concerned by the lack of progress on my new work has whisked me off to a dire retreat in the suburbs of Manchester to concentrate on getting something in print by the end of the month. Initially billed as a workshopping session this has rapidly turned into a sweatshopping session. The location "Manchester " (hardly exotic in itself) turns out to be the industrial wasteland that is the suburb of Hyde. The "hotel" turns out to be a pub with pretentions and a prison guard !!

So I've been sitting here in a soulless meeting room staring at an empty whiteboard and grotty flipchart for two days, with nothing but a stack of marker pens, pencils, and blocks of A4 for company. Even the coffee has been rationed to a break at 10:30 and one at 15:00 ! Colditz was never so hard - at least you could bloody smoke there while you made paper aeroplanes !!!!!

I find some scissors and spend most of day one making mockup characters, scenery and props from bits of coloured paper and act out the film, and the next day creating a suitable board game. Tomorrow I'll rip each flipchart page off and stick them together with selotape to form a ladder. I'll be free before the week is out for sure......

Bean there...done that

Joy of joys, my Gaggia Synchrony Logic has been returned to me fully repaired and serviced !For those of you who don't know this is an excellent "bean to cup" professional coffee machine and my very favourite gadget in the entire world. We had been seperated for a whole two months (largely due to my excessive overuse of it) and I have to say that life without it was tough and depressing.

You cannot imagine my delight at seeing the large cardboard box marked Gaggia on the doorstep this morning. I immediately cancelled surgery and rushed off (with the box) to my local quality bean importer. So now I have brewed, nay decanted, my first cup from said machine, (ok you just press a single button) and am sitting at home with a mug of perfect coffee in a state of bliss. What a perfect week.....

Sugar Rush

Horrors, a child was brought in this morning by an anxious mother who insists her boy needs councelling ! Clearly if her excellent parenting and a very expensive school doesnt produce a hard-working, fun loving, sports playing, musical academic genius who loves his parents then the boy must be mentally ill. I hate working with children but seeing the DB9 parked outside I agree to a single session without her. (£50 buys a decent amount of tobacco and cake even these days).

Tim seemed a normal enough kid. I asked him what his mother's problem was, and we had a good laugh diagnosing her before grabbing biscuits from Mrs Huggins and booting up the playstation. Jane and I have got to the bit where you have to use a bazooka to take out the large cake on the bridge and use the sniper rifle on the chocolate fingers that are firing at you from the bank. Having to change weapons mid-combat is a hassle but I thought Tim would be able to master it.

"This game's easy " he boldly proclaimed, followed shortly by ".....uh...."
"just you wait till we get to the bridge.....mind my coffee..."
"uh....this game is weird.....what's that..???" he asked pointing to a swiss roll that was shouting at him.
"He's a bad guy but he's out of ammunition quick shoot him". Tim did and we rushed the corner.
"what the f*** ! Why's there a piece of cake on the bridge ?"
"Concentrate man, you're getting hit too much duck down behind those sand bags".

It occurs to me that even though Tim is a perfectly normal kid, £50 a week on a regular basis could be very useful. "What cake ? what are you talking about ? quick get the tank ! mind the snipers......."
"What tank ???? What snipers ??? I just see a cake ?"

The screen fades to red and the controller shakes ominously.

Tim's mother is glad I think he is fairly normal, but I tell her I am concerned about the boy's obsession with food. Does he snack alot at home ? Grab packets of crisps between meals, eat alot of chocolate and various other safe questions..He seems to be imagining food items where they don't exist, perhaps he has too much sugar in his system and suffers from attention deficit ?
She looks pale with concern. "Don't worry" I say, "I can cure these conditions with your help, but it will take quite a few sessions..." She signs up for 10 more and I go off to the Little Tipple to celebrate......